I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
