I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
