the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
