if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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