never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
