I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
