Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Randomize
