By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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