getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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