hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
