his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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