Umm I'm too high to move.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
