Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
