Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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