I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
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