I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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