I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
