I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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