Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
