Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
