Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
