I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
