did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
