So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
