Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I am one with the molecules
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
