A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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