Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
