So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
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