The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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