Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
