I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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