Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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