Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i dont even know how to be here
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
