there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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