The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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