My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
We got so high we made milksteak
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
