Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
