I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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