Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
