At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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