wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
