Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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