i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
