Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
