Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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