And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
She has the best kind of daddy issues
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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