apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
