i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
