Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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