I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
