She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
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