Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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