Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
