life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
