I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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